I am angry, mad, and frustrated. It's all coming out of hurt, but it's real. Our church family that I (we) desperately missed while in California doesn't seems like family right now. Out of sight seems to be out of mind. We asked for help. My ministry team leader hasn't showed concern or thought. We haven't been able to attend for upwards of 4 weeks because I've been too ill. Too ill for church, too ill for work, sicker than I've ever been in my life and alone. Alone and scared. Alone and sad. Alone with my anger. We are comforted so that we can be comforters. Are we not comforted so that we have a burden to comfort? Everyone's lives are very busy and I get that. But this isn't what I thought church was about. God, what will you teach me in this?
I want to lash out. I want to send scathing emails or make contact to say thanks for nothing. I know in that the truth is that I just want someone to care. I've always known I'd never be someone with involved parents, but I've always looked to fill that place. The void is bigger than ever at a time when I'm an adult getting ready to be a parent myself.
Should we be looking for a church closer to home? Is 25 minutes too far of a drive for people to stop by? Does 25 minutes constitute a long distance call? I'm so angry. So hurt. I don't want to make a decision out of that, but I do need resolution to come of it. What's right in this? Is it arrogance to think that people should care? That people should come? We haven't been able to be in a Life Group the last half of this semester, but we were in one. Jeremiah's work schedule is different for spring and summer until Eggshell opens and that's okay. I don't want to hear that we're not committed because we're not in a Life Group. We participate in workdays, help out when we can, and are financially invested in the church and in God's work. It feels a little empty right now.
