Mad

I am angry, mad, and frustrated. It's all coming out of hurt, but it's real. Our church family that I (we) desperately missed while in California doesn't seems like family right now. Out of sight seems to be out of mind. We asked for help. My ministry team leader hasn't showed concern or thought. We haven't been able to attend for upwards of 4 weeks because I've been too ill. Too ill for church, too ill for work, sicker than I've ever been in my life and alone. Alone and scared. Alone and sad. Alone with my anger. We are comforted so that we can be comforters. Are we not comforted so that we have a burden to comfort? Everyone's lives are very busy and I get that. But this isn't what I thought church was about. God, what will you teach me in this?
I want to lash out. I want to send scathing emails or make contact to say thanks for nothing. I know in that the truth is that I just want someone to care. I've always known I'd never be someone with involved parents, but I've always looked to fill that place. The void is bigger than ever at a time when I'm an adult getting ready to be a parent myself.
Should we be looking for a church closer to home? Is 25 minutes too far of a drive for people to stop by? Does 25 minutes constitute a long distance call? I'm so angry. So hurt. I don't want to make a decision out of that, but I do need resolution to come of it. What's right in this? Is it arrogance to think that people should care? That people should come? We haven't been able to be in a Life Group the last half of this semester, but we were in one. Jeremiah's work schedule is different for spring and summer until Eggshell opens and that's okay. I don't want to hear that we're not committed because we're not in a Life Group. We participate in workdays, help out when we can, and are financially invested in the church and in God's work. It feels a little empty right now.

Need a drink

This is an interesting time in my life. I'm pregnant. I'm scared because this isn't what we planned but reassured because this is what God planned. In this time of feeling sick and kind of left alone by God I need a drink, not so much a gin and tonic, but a refreshing of my soul and spirit. I need Jesus to come sit at the well with me and tell me something new about me or about life or about Him. I feel like I'm standing still as I'm expanding. I feel dry even though I know God is with me. I know I need to rest in His presence and in His peace, but I need something more today. I don't know what pushing through or breakthrough looks like right now. Jesus, please show me. Please quench my thirst and sit at this empty well with me.

Not out of the woods.

So, I saw the doctor yesterday evening. I am due November 7, 2011. I'm 6 weeks and 3 days today. We went to the hospital when I was having some bleeding and discomfort. Everything seems to be okay, but it's early so I'm not quite out of the woods. We're going to figure out the financial side of things today and Friday I will see the doctor again to make sure everything is progressing. I saw the little tiny peanut with a heartbeat! Eek!
In the awkwardness of about 20 minutes of legs spread in the stirrups during the ultrasound etc. I started to ask her if she was a fan of Friends. I started reliving out loud the episode where Rachel is pregnant and can't see the baby on the ultrasound but keeps pretending that she can because she doesn't want Ross or the ob to think she's a bad mom. I'm pretty sure I saw the peanut, and can't believe it's real. I'm still reserving my feelings either way since it's so early, but I'm sure it's in there.

embracing unexpected change

We're heading into new seasons in our lives. Lots of career changes and life changes. I feel like God is beautifully preparing us as we fall headfirst into all these new things. Jeremiah's new restaurant, Eggshell Bistro, will most likely be opening in September and I have some new things on the horizon also. This year is going to be a lot different than we expected when we moved into it, but I know that God is faithfully leading us and our prayer is to be steadfast in following.
I have struggled with all my schedule changes to make time with Jesus. That should be first and foremost, but these hours are killing me. This week, I am deciding to make it a priority and to follow through with that diligently. It's so beautiful to be home and I'm so glad we're here for this new season in life. Thank you Jesus for having a plan that's better than mine.